its far better to learn

from your past than to dwell on it.
I think I'm almost completly over you.
I'm phasing out ya know....after all that's happened its just made me think about things
and seeing that perhaps you came back into my life to be that friend that I've always needed
ya it hurts a little to know that all the love I have for you can't be used but I will always love you...especially now that I know that you are my forever friend :]
I guess there's someone better for me and someone better for you.
its all going to be ok.

:)

peace
xelliex

on my own

I havta do this on my own.
no one else can.

it needs to come from my mouth and no one elses.
I guess this is part of growing up...right?

right.

anyhow. well I got hired at Williams and Williams Law Firm! :)
that's good ha
and well still bnot sure wat I'm doin for thnxgiving but we'll see...hopefully I get to see my buddy...I dnt want him 2 spend thnxgiving alone.


k.
that's all for now.


peace
xelliex

do you know that i love you?

so I finally GRADUATED!
I am now a college graduate =)
and....I got the job! I'm gonna be working saturdays at the law firm! hopefully I
do good and get hired on full time.
I need to save that money if I'm gonna move back home :)

k so yea...my friends getting married...I'm 1 of her bridesmaid, I'm excited for.
it almost seems like all of my friends are getting married of... wth? lol
but ya makes me wanna plan my wedding...even tho I have no1 to marry hahaha

anyhow, I'm doing good. me n trav r making it man.
we're digging deeper into the kingdom. I'm so glad we ghave eachother to help
eachother out through this. God is so great!

update on the status : still single....lol and I'm ok with it. I have him. I don't mind if
that he's not mine ,he's still here for me. my friend. my dear friend.
I love him. as crazy as it sounds, its all in Gods hands. I'm not gonna worry to much about it
whatevers meant to be will always be.

happiness :)

The Lord will guide you continually,
giving you water when you are dry
and restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like an ever-flowing spring.
Isaiah 58:11


he takes care of us ALWAYS

it hurts

so here's the truth.
I rele can't hold it in any much longer....
I fell in love with you. ....I felt something I had never felt before.
everything that everone said that was wrong didn't matter at all to me.
I didn't care what they said. I didn't care what they thought.
you see...all that mattered in that time was that I could be my self with you.
you didn't care for what was on the outside, you cared for what was on the inside.
just being silly and rocking out to the beat of our own drum was the best.
what was even better, was that I could enjoy myself with you.
you brought out the best in me.

then....you left. you left my alone.
do you know how much I hurt?
I told myself id never fall for anyone ever again.
to try to forget you, I let some guys into my life...but I was always thinking of you.
I did everything I could to forget about you. I avoided speaking your name. and when people mentioned your name, I pretended I didn't hear and didn't care.

so a year and a half passes and I am now 18.
when all of a sudden....you walked right back into my life. the second I saw you. I felt as though my heart jumped out of my chest only to hide itself from your eyes. when I say everything, I really mean everything. memories that I didn't even know still exsisted came back to mind. pain. I wanted to leave for good and never come back to where I could possibly see you. but to my surprise, you smiled at me. and from there, a friendship that I never imagined possible began to grow.

soon after I had a boyfriend. he was a great guy, but nothing he ever did could make me forget about you. his eyes wwerent the same. I couldn't be my true self. I wanted so bad to forget about you and believe me I tried....I though I was doing a good job...but ofcorse, with every sunday that I saw you, I couldn't possibly allow myself to forget.
my undying love for you soon brought the end of my relationship. I couldn't bare watch myself hurt an innocent boy. he deserved someone who would actually love him. and not compare him to a non exsistant love.
that wasn't fair for him. and I still feel somewhat bad for using him. I didn't want to hurt him, I just wanted to forget about you.

so now months have passedand im now 19 and I can honestly say that I still feel the same about. after 2 years, nothings changed. I'm so surprised that we are able to be the good friends that we are today. I try to fight back the temptation to hold your hand and kiss your cheek. just please understand that I'm still trying to forget you. forget about the love I feel for you. I'm glad we can hang out with just me and you and have great times together. believe me, I wouldn't trade them for anything. but please....please be aware of the things you do and say. any little thing u do or say pulls the trigger inside of me.

thank you for being my bestfriend. thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life again. just know that I will always love you. you'll always have a little piece of my heart.


peace
xelliex

Thunder

Boys Like Girls - Thunder lyrics

Today's a winding road that's taken me to places that I didn't want to go
Whoa (whoa, whoa, whoa)
Today in the blink of an eye I'm holding on to something and I do not know why
I tried
(I tried)

I tried to read between the lines
(I tried to look in your eyes)
I want a simple explanation
(For what I'm feeling inside)
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Today's a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I don't know
Whoa
(Whoa, whoa, whoa)
Today I'm on my own
I can't move a muscle and I can't pick up the phone
I don't know
(I don't know, I don't know, I don't know)

And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside
Just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain

Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope
I'm wrapped up in vines
I think we'll make it out
But you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

Today's a winding road that's taken me to places that I didn't want to go
Whoa

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder, and I said

Your voice (this is getting colder)
Was the soundtrack of my summer (yeah the summer's over)
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain (well today's a winding road)
Oh baby bring (today I'm on my own)
On the pain
And listen to the thunder



Lyrics | Boys Like Girls - Thunder lyrics

we are broken

sometimes life brings you down.

but you know what, thats only cus theres something amazingly good ahead. friends, dont give up. there is so much more to live for.

i know at times it feels as if life is useless and this world is better off without you, but its not. you were put on this earth with a purpose. dont forget that.

last night was quite a scare for me.

my closest friend was going through a situation like the one im talking about.

so i just thought id write some encouraging words.

i love you.

and to my friend, you know i'd be lost without you.

we'll get through this together :]

peace

xelliex

i dont like you

i really dont.

i just love you.

there was some distant memories that oh so tightly lingered still

yet i couldnt quite figure out why

all these promises that we made

such mistakes?

oh why oh why...

did you have to go?

oh why oh why...

did you have to go?

i never wanted to

but i did

i believed you

it hard to imagine it now

how you still have me

 in your grasp with out noticing

and how im captivated

in a love that was said to never be

but meant everything to me

tell me...

was it all just make believe?

explain to me

why no one else can make me forget the way

forget the way you are?

and just know id give you anything

and i wouldn't trade this heart of mine

cus im holding on to hope...

would you take a chance on this?

would take back anything?

or are you afraid?

afraid of me?

 

birthday :D

yay!

nineteen! last year of being an official teenager...lol... kinda sad actually. 

well this morning my mmmazing friend took me out to breakfast to Corner Stone Bakery...its really good there! you should defiantly go :]

after eating we just walked around the mall and... he decided he wanted to buy me some vans... :) we looked at like 4 different stores trying to find grey classic vans in my size! geeze no one had a frikin size 8 lol so i ended up getting blue ones :D

i can truly say he is one amazing person.

anyhow, after church we all went to elephant bar to celebrate with my family and close friends!

i really wish i didn't have to leave the 805, but i must... i'll be back again though :)

peace

xelliex

the journey down south

wow.... today/tonight was mmmmmazing!

gosh, i seriously hadn't had such a good time in a very long time... and all just inside a truck a named jack... lol.

so i got to Simi around 3pm and my aunt picked me up and i finally got to see my 2 lil cousins after almost a year! i had great time hanging out with them :)

At 8ish my friend came to pick me up. 

I really dont know how to say it, but just being with them made me feel so safe and comforted. we were seriously just blasting the music, rocking out, and acting like retards and having the best time of our lives :]

thats something i haven't been able to do in such a  long time...thats what i mean by feeling comfort. 

We went to the Valley to my friends b-day party. [note: happy  birthday lily,erica,francine! hehe ;)] We ended up blasting the guitar out and working on some music ideas we have. The entire time i was with them i felt like nothing else even mattered... for those few moments, time was frozen... dang.

My friend Sarah kept counting down the minutes till 12 o'clock struck haha

when it finally did...i literately got jumped by like 7 people hugging me and wishing me a happy birthday.... i love my friends :]

so anyways,

my point is that tonight was one of the best nights i've had this entire year.

peace

xelliex

pre birthday buzz

So... one of my best friends ever, Travis, took me out to to dinner for my b-day!

He's such a punk! lol. for the past week he had been telling me about this great "plan" but it was a secret so i wasn't allowed to know what it was...haha so friday finally comes along and we go out to Johnny Rockets to eat and he says.."oh by the way, there really was no plan...HAHAHA" 

0_o

ahhh hahah but any ways, i had a blast eating my starburst he bought me :D

well gotta go pack for the weekend, im leaving to Simi in the morning

peace

xelliex

born for this

W O W!

thats all i can really say about how AWESOME God is.

it looks like things are finally starting to get better.

deep call out to deep. those words i can never forget.

me and my best friend came home last night after he picked me up from school...

and for some reason, we just put on a worship playlist and let everything go.

it was amazing feeling the presence of God again after such a long time... 

the enemy tried to pull us down and destroy what we have...but last night, we PROVED him WRONG.

just wait and see, all those who left are gonna come back, 7 times stronger.

testing the strong ones

Well here i am again...

im glad to say that i have totally improved.

that is, spiritually.

these past 3 weeks i have noticed a growth in me. im finally falling in love again, with God.

as much as it hurt, i knew that i needed this break in order for me to get back to my first and only true love. i thank God for this wilderness that i've been going through. plus...my bestest friend is getting back into God to :0) you guys have no idea how much it means to me that we're going through this together. i cant wait to see what God has planned for us. friends to thee end!

on another note, steven came over last nite. it was nice seeing him and i had a good time hanging out with him just as friends. maybe things will get better between us, all i can say is that for now, im good, lifes good.

peace

xelliex

The Blue Period

i still dont know.

 i want to stay with him, but at the same time, it just feels like there's something out there better for me and something better for him... im still waiting on that sign...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

=/

 

 

God help me out please....  

 

 

 

other than that...i cant wait till Sunday!

i get to see all my Simi friends! :D 

wich to burry?

so...me and steven are on a break...

gosh i hate the things i do sometimes...but is it really my fault that i cant forget about you? idk...its no ones fault. i just need a reason for me to stay, show me im worth it. accept me, for who i am. im not perfect, get over that. make me forget about him...

i know i need to better myself, theres always room for improvement. i need to strengthen my realationship with God first, before i get into any relationship with anyone else. i just hate hurtingpeople...i rele do :(

i just pray that i find what im looking for. God give me a sign...please...

 

 

peace
Ellie

i beg for just one more tomorrow

yet again i've lagged in writing in this thing 

well im doing well cant complain, i went to simi today saw my buddies :0) i rele miss everyone..eventhough i see them once a week... =/

so lately i've been torn with some issues..

the future.

its a mysterious abyss that i wish not enter.

sometimes it freaks me out, like i want to know but at the same time i dont...things in the past come back in and out and its tormenting yet at the same times so welcoming.

i had a recent conversation with my current boyfriend, he helps me out a lot and for that im sothankful, he told me to live day by day and not worry so much and just put my future in Gods hands, 

but i cant help it, i do worry, and thats only because of all the feelings involved. mine, this person, that person... it gets tangled. 

i guess im just asking for you friends..if any do read this... to keep me in your prayers, i need direction and guidance from God...i need a sign. i do trust in my Lord, and i know that my future is decided in HIM and in HIM alone. 

my walk is getting better, little by little...the suns always brighter ahead...and thats where im headed :]

peace

ellie 

im hot, your cold...

Jonas bros. HAHA. lame ;)


k so just to update everyone..if anyone even reads this..
lifes been good cant complain.  almost done with school, got a job interview on wednsday at a bank! wish me luck!! hehe

so k onda amigos? platiken me jiji
px extraño a toda la mara de La Igelsia De Dios SimiValley.  los kiero mushhho :]
aunque no los veo o kisas platicemos mucho, los kiero :]

bueno ya ,e voy a nienie ;)


peace
ellie

cientos de kilometros...

awww deng that song so freaken sad! :'(

but i love it...lol

anyways...so i have aa special guest over this week!

JENNYYFUR!!

LOL!!

finally she gets to stay over yayy!!!

k so the past 2 days have been quite interesting...it seems like im always trying to move forward and then i end up sticking behind..im tired of that...im tired of failing God, hes so faithful and patient and no matter what, he loves us :] and that my friends, is the greatest gift anyone could give...unconditional love.

gosh i swear God put Steven into my life with a purpose, hes helped me so much grow in my faith, i thank God everyday for allowing such a beautiful person into my life :), things are gonna get better...i promise :]

peace

xelliex 

everybody get down!!!

haha METROO STATION!

good stufff ;)

ahh so its been like... a month? since ive written anything! hehe my bad ;)

well for those who've been wondering, my lifes going great!

i went to church camp for a week 3 weeks ago! it was amazing!

it was a good reminder and refresher :]

i feel as though my spiritual walk is getting stronger... slowly, but stronger :]

ive realized the changes i need to make in my life. its not easy, but i can make it happen, with God all things are possible.

also,

me and steven are doing awesome too! :D

seriously God has blessed me with everything i have :]

(^_^)

k last but not least, im almost done with school!!

i graduate in november...im so xxxciteddd! haha

i'll have my AA in Aplied Sciences heck yeahhh.

one step closer to my bachelors and my masters :D

now all i need is a job haha

k well i think ive done as much catching up as i can possibly do lol

peace

ellie 

Ventura Warped Tour

so today marks me n stevens 2 months anniversary
and im still dazzled at how amazing of a person he is :]
yesterday we went swimming n ate pizza n stuff. good times;)
and on friday we're gonna go out so it shud be good.
im rele happy guys :D seriously, i wish you guys could all meet him and see why haha ;)
but anyhow...

WARPED TOUR!!! is this sunday...ughh i cant wait!!
august burns red, angels and airwaves, mayday parade, stick to your guns! and so many more awesome bands!!
my baby bought me my ticket :D
so XCITED! me and alisha are leaving to Encino Saturday afternoon and staying at her awesome cousins house! we're gonna party it up!

k well i write in a few  

peace
ellie

On Letting Go

CIRCA SURVIVE!!
denggg that song On Letting Go is awesome!
i saw them like 2 weeks ago haha it was an INTENSE and EMOTIONAL show, i mean like...i cried when they played that song...hehe :]
that just goes to show you what a musician i am.
but anyhow,

lifes been pretty good so far, this sunday after hanging out and talking with someone, i finally realized what an amazing person i have infront of me, my boyfriend, Steven...I finaly found a decent guy, and im not saying that rest were bad guys cus most were'nt, but they didnt know what they wanted, they either just used me or messed with me until something "better" came along, they did'nt realize what they had and what they couldve had.Steven accepts me for who i am, despite how different we are, which is REALLY different. he's learned to love what and who I AM not what i look like or what i have. so im finially letting go.

i wanna thank you, to all the guys in my past, you made me who i a, today, and to one guy in particular, im not sure you'll ever read this, but you helped me realize this you helped me see what i have., so thanks. and i'll admit it, sometimes i still miss you and think about what we could've been, but remember, you let me go. i can only wish you the best and treasure what we have now, which i do :']



i think im done with this today...haha
peace and God bless
ellie


ps.
keep smiling, your time will come.

beating hearts babyyy

haha good song
ughh omgsh i cant begin to describe how awesome life is atm.
i swear GOD is GOOD :D
monday was sucha good day. my boyfran took me outto lunch n a movie &&&& awww thats all i can say hah ;)
THANK YOU JESUS hahah.
o man im just feeling so blessed with life.
&& all mis amigos, im sucha lucky girl to have those few close people inmy life cough cough, izra, trav, migue, and leo ;)
they make my life so much better hahah.
im just so happy i guess haha well 2moro shud be good, after i finish my final stevens gonna pick me u p and we're gonan chill.
awesome.

PEACE!!
ellie

ps. I MISS ALL OF YOU GUYS!

hey there dont hurt me...

why does it seem that every guy i ever end up with, turns out to be soUNDECIDED. im tired of feeling like crap. all i wanted was for a guy to love me for reals, a guy who KNOWS what he wants. and a guy that would treat me like a princess, who'd hold my hand, kiss my forehead and just laugh with me and joke around.
:'(
hey there dont hurt me if you dont know.
i cant change who i am because thats what makes me...me.
you can accept me for who i am or you can leave, but i guarantee you, you'll wish you wouldnt have, you'll end up like the rest of the guys who i shared my heart with and all they did with throw it away. when you see me laugh with my friends and with another guy, you'll see what you lost and what you could've had. so make up your mind...think twice before you speak. and dont think that its easy for me, im hurting inside, i dont want to loose you.

i know he'll never see this but thats what i feel like.

ehhh.




peace
ellie

scratch that

everything is A O K =]
im so glad to say that everything is fine,
my boyfriend and i are doing great :]
haha i guess sometimes you have to go thru things to make
your realtionship stronger
lifes good :]
well today i have an interview at a temp agency, hopefuly they find me a job SOON! haha
oh and tonight,freaken PARTY!! it the freaken weekend baby ima go have me some fun wit my girls n guys. fffyeah!
k well leave sum love on the page


peace
ellie

awhile since i last wrote in this...ugh im so frikin tired...lol ;)
anyhow, just thought id drop some lines on this.
ive been doing good :]
me and my bf have been doing good :D
saturday is our one month anniversary, so im xcited for that!
and its also my friend Laurens wedding, that should be fun :]
well cant wait till friday, my babys spending almost the entire day with me :) xoxo.


anyhow, 
ive realized that i need to change...for reals, and stop procrastinating.
ive also realized that some people...you just cant ever forget, no matter what. i dont think i'll ever tell him up front, or tell anyone else, but deep down...i still miss him, but im happy for him and im glad he's happy for me aswell. i guess thats when you can tell that they are a true friend, and i'drather have him be my friend than nothing else :]


peace
xelliex

bf.

yes you heard it..haha about time!
i finally have a boyfriend, steven. yay!
i cant even begin to explain to you guys how AMAZING he is.
so sweet, nice, funny, and yes SARCASTIC ;) and a humble man of God...and not to mention a drummer! and he's my youth pastors nephew...haha.

ahh its so awesome! im so happy, its been so long since ive let my self have any sort of feeling for anyone, so i know this ones special.
he has his flaws but ugh i dont care, hes right for me :]
i can only hope that good things come our way.
he has helped me out alot these past three months and i just want to thank him and i thank God for sending him across my path.
i just wanna let everyone know that.

:]


cant wait for what God has planned for us.
this is only the beggining:)


peace
xelliex

blahblhablah :]

ok so today, im feeling good.
not too bad not too great just ok.
soo lately..i got a call from an old friend, its wierd hearing his voice on the phone but at the same time its nice and familiar....
its wierd. i guess im just glad we can still be friends after all that happened.

also, i dont know how to say this but...i need your peoples help. ok so the guy im dating, itsbeen liek 3 - 4 months. and....i feel stuck.
i dnt knwo if hes ever going to ask me out!.
ohh but the Lord says patience yes i know, but still...haha idk ;)

only time will tell i guess

peacee
xelliex

finally home/alone

ahh it feels good to be home!
this weekend at bamboozle it was freaken intense!
so many bands and ppl and hot guys! ahaha jk jk ;)
well ya we got home sunday night around 12 and last nite we wentto see Chiodos..hahaha.
some good shtuff.


on another note.... ive been feeling kinda left out for some reason, with all my old friends. i know i live in bakers and all but i dnt want to let go of my hometyown friends and such. is it time to make my life here? i dont know...like i know i have great friends here and ive met thee most amazing guy ever but, sometimes i want to rewind and go back...sometimes i miss people i shouldnt.

bleh....



peace
xelliex


ps. the pics are: automatic loveletter, starting line, me and leesh, dear and the headlights

YEAH BAMBOOZLE!

bamboozle this weekend! Irvine here we come! heck yesss!! anyone going? 
me n the bestie Alisha are gonna find us some cuteee rockerboys 
this weekend and invite them to our hotel room ohhhhhh hahahahahahah jk 
ughh but yea i finally ordered a new fone! Thank God lol, it'll be here by thursday.
ahh so excited!
new fone!, Bamboozle!, music!, musicians!, 
hot sweaty musicians! L.A!  ahhh! lol ;)

peace
xelliex