Heavy on My Heart

It's been about 6 months since I last spoke to you.  It pains me, but you, you still don't see.  What are you so afraid of?  All of this is on you.  People ask me why I don't talk to you, you want to know why?  I don't talk to you because nothing good comes out of you.  I can not and will not associate myself with a "man" who neglects only one of his children.  What's wrong with you?!  What kind of a "father" are you?   Not mine, no not mine.  Did you know that she plays the guitar, piano and sings?  Did you ?  It's the one thing all three of us have in common that was handed down from your blood.  Why didn't you want to love her?  Why are you so fake?  Why do you pretend?  Are  you happy?  Is your wife the best thing to ever happen to you?  Does it feel nice to know you are a coward?

I don't understand how the one person who taught me all about respect, integrity, and honor could be the biggest two face I know.  That's what I am most upset of.  That you are liar and a fake.  I don't mean to make you feel any "worse", if you even have any feelings left, I just wanted to say that I won't be looking for you until I see a real change, some action and some responsibility from your part.  Man up and apologize you your daughter.  That's all she's ever really wanted.

Hey Hey Hey!

So as you may know, these past few months have been a bunch of crap thrown on top of more crap but as of March 30, 2012, I decided to change the way I think about my life and keep it P.M.A & K.M.A.      
(Positive Mind and Kingdom Minded).  So far, I feel so much greater in a lot of different ways.

This past weekend I went to Facedown Fest with my sister Vanessa and Marcel.  I had so much fun! I went nuts during Dynasty on Friday night.  So nuts that one of my contacts flew out of my eyes, and somehow I ended up on stage and jumped off haha. Saturday night I went nuts during xLooking Forwardx and War of Ages.  Marcel said I moshed hahaha!! I don't know what happened. But I enjoyed every minute of it and I don't care anymore of people think i look retarded. I do what I want.

But on a more serious note, Friday night before Dynasty played, one of the dudes was speaking to the crowd and he completely read my mail. Almost everything he said was directly related to something I have been going through.  I generally don't cry in public but when he started talking about fathers who neglect their kids or aren't there for them or that haven't spoken to their kids and visa versa, I broke down. I really felt the God's presence in that room and in his words.

God is always there for me and He speaks to us when we least expect it.  My dad and I haven't spoke in about two months... I don't know when we will speak again, but it's all in Gods timing I guess. I am justing going to keep that pma/kma attitude.

Update

kay so it's been a few weeks.  I've been so busy with everything. literately, EVERYTHING.

I am all moved into my new place :)  I like it a lot, really happy with that.  It's still kinda weird.  I feel like  I am at a hotel with all my stuff in it haha.  Anyhow, not much has really happened though other than me moving out.  Things are still rocky with my parents.  I actually haven't spoken to them in probably over a month now.  Lame I know, but oh well.  I am still jon searching... not much luck with that either :(

I am hoping soon things will change over for the better though.  Trying to hold on to hope. Anyways, here are a few things that I am hoping to be able to do in the next few months:
-FACEDOWN FEST!!! Is anyone I know going?? My sister Vanessa and I are trying to make it out there this year.  Last year was awesome.
- SOUND AND FURY!!!! 1st announcement is in two weeks holy crap!!!!!!!
- Having my sister Katlyn come over my new place


Oh and just a quick rant,  what the heck is up with Warped Tour this year? The line up is so gay!!! I think this might be the first year I don't go. The only real bands that interest me this year are New Found Glory, Yellowcard, Bayside and a few others.  I may just go for the day with Leesh and whoever wants to go but on the real, line up is pretty weak.

A Letter to My Parents

Dad & Mom,

Thanks for letting me stay at your house for all these years.  I know you guys did your best trying to raise me.  Dad, you taught me how to be smart and how to stand my ground.  Mom, because of you I will always know how to clean up after myself.  I know these past two months have been very hard on everyone.

Dad, I wish you were stronger so that you could've dealt with your issues sooner.  I know you love mom, but I wish I knew you love me and my sisters the same too.  Don't take this in an offensive way, I am just telling you how it is.  I don't lie about stuff like this.  I really feel betrayed by you.  I know you hurt mom, but you also hurt your daughters, all three of us.

Mom, I know you love dad and you have "forgiven" him, so I wish you wouldn't have been so negative about me and Vanessa wanting Katlyn to be in our lives.  I know you and I will never see things the same way, and that's okay, but I wish you could just respect me.  I didn't want to choose between you and Katlyn.  To me, you are both my family.  I hope one day you can see that she is also my father's daughter.

All in all, I forgive you both and I hope you can forgive me to.  I am respecting your wishes and I am moving out of your house.  This is all very scary for me, but I know God is with me and He will never abandon me.

Best wishes,

Ellie

P.S.  I hope in the future, and when you are ready, that we can do some family counseling.  We need it.

A poem/song I wrote.

Daughters


Spineless man where did your back bone go? Did you forget it several years ago? And are you happy with the outcome of the choices that you made? ’Cus it’s destroying you, and its hurting her and its killing us three… your daughters. 

Bitter man where did your happiness go? Did you forget it several years ago? ’Cus you’ve been holding on to your wife’s hand, you’ve been holding on to your anger and guilt like you should have been holding on to us… your daughters.

 Spineless man, bitter man, I can’t help but love you.

 How does it feel, to put us on the sideline, all for the price of your selfish pride. 
 Before I go, just know you were my hero when all you ever were was a coward.

"That Girl WIll Never Know Her Father"

Those are the exact words that my "mother" just said about 10 minutes ago.  I am only documenting this stuff incase anything happens and because apparently, my mother has been telling her "friends" about me and they all are in "shock" that I have came to my conclusions and decisions about the situation.  Is it really shocking that I want to know my half sister?  Is it against God?  Is me talking to my half sister disrespectful to my mother? UM. I DON'T THINK SO.  How am I disrespecting her?! I am not talking to my mom about her... so why does she feel like I am disrespecting her? You really can't tell me it's disrespectful. I am an adult.  Yes, I live in her house, but like I said, I am not talking or putting pictures all over the house of my half sister.  I just want to know her.  She may have been born out of an affair, that happened 17 years ago.  My mom is still married to my dad and they are "happy in love", so why the fuck can't she just accept what happened and move on?  My mom literally told me that "that girl" will never know her father, and she said it with a smile on her face.  She said that my dad will never talk to her.

Now, you tell me if that is "godly"?  Also, my mom had told us (my sister and I), last Wednesday that we are free to have a relationship with our half sister, but not in her house, we can't bring her here. Which I get and respect.  But yesterday, my little sister asked my mom about needing some money for color guard and my mom told her that she isn't going to give any money to her unless she doesn't have a relationship with her half-sister.  What the hell.  That's not what she said last week and now all of a sudden it's different?!  I am real pissed right now.  I am so utterly disappointed in both my parents.

I need to get a job ASAP so I can move out.  My mom kicked me out today, but I al literally in the middle of dyign my hair and have dye all over my hair  so forget leaving right now.  Plus all my stuff doesn't fit in my car.  Which brings me to her telling me that I have always had everything handed to me. BULLSCRAP. My TV, furniture, room decor, curtains,  printer, phone (including all my previous cell phones), iPod, iPad, Macbook Pro, school supplies and books (my dad has only ever bought one book, which was about $60) (I have been in school for 6 years), my bedding, shoes and clothing have all been bought and paid for by none other than myself.  The only thing in my room that is not mine is the mattress I sleep on. I have had a job since I was 16 years old.  This is the first time since then that I am with out a job.  I am trying, really hard, to find a new one that pays enough for me to support myself.  This is so stupid.  I want out. Or I want my parents to have a revelation from God to see how unjustified their thinking and reasoning is.  They are church leaders... and this is how they think.

Whatever.

Honestly, Ya Don't Even Wanna Know...

I have been meaning to blog for a while but everything has just been so hectic and lame the past few weeks.  I have always been a person who is very transparent in my writing but lately, I have had mixed emotions about the things that have happened in my life.  I feel like I am a part of a really bad novela, which is Spanish for soap opera. I am a closet depressive maniac... okay not really, but you get what I am saying. Well, here goes nothing:

1) Still no luck finding a job.

2) EDD is freaking lame.  Haven't received or heard from them in a month, pretty much since I worked at Green's office. Which mean I am completely broke. Nada in the bank, pockets or piggy banks... haha :(

3) Secrets out.  I have a half sister that my parents have been hiding from my sister and I. Yep.  Totally insane.  My parents are horrible people.  My mom can't accept her. She wishes my sister and I didn't want to know our half sister and she resents us for it. She's a B. My dad's a coward.  We haven't really talked at all.  Last time we did it turned real bad. It is all ridiculous and sad.  My half sister is cool though. She's 17, plays guitar, piano and likes to sing! (Definitely my sister :D).  So yea things with the family are all upside-down and going nowhere.

4) School is going good so far.  I am really excited for my 15 month long paper! haha It is actually a community project, in place of a traditional thesis paper.  I am going to be working with Bakersfield SPCA. I have to come up with 4 proposals to get them money, supplies, adoptions, etc.  I love animals so I am really happy about this.  It's also taking my mind off of the real big negative things going on in my life. Obviously.

OH and 5) Today, out of frustration, I cut my bangs 0_0.  I no longer have side bangs.


End.

Welp, Back to Square One.

I just got laid off... again. HAHA What a start to this new year. The joke is already on me.... lol.  I am bummed but not too sad.  Me and two other paralegals got laid off.  I guess business didn't pick up like they thought it would have and they had to let us go because they couldn't afford us.  I get it. Pretty simple right? But, if business was slow, and you weren't 100% it was going to pick up, why did you hire us?!

I worked my butt off correcting & fixing what the "BK typist/paralegal" had done. (some of their work was so bad I couldn't believe it was allowed to be filed.  Not to say they weren't nice people, because they were, but bk is a new area to them.  I have three years experience typing bks.  Oh well, all I can do is go back to square one and keep looking. I hope my unemployment isn't affected.  I only worked for 7 days.

ehhhhhhhhhhh.

>.< 0_o o_0 :/

Here's to 2012 so far.

Cheers.

Just got hired at Benjamin Green’s Firm!

Post from 1/9/2012

Starting tomorrow I am the new head Bankruptcy Paralegal! Complete with my own office :> On top of that, they are going to train me to do work in Family Law!! It may not seem exciting, but for me it is because I have never worked in that area of law other than the few classes i took on it while I in jr. college.  Now I can add another area of law to my resume for the future. 

Here’s to an awesome start to 2012.

Now, time to do my work out with NTC!

Nike Training Club

Things are going well.  The first week of 2012 is nearly out and so far I am still feeling motivated to accomplish my goals for this year.  Specifically the health ones.  I am actually enjoying working out and getting fit.  One thing that has helped me stay on track are the Nike apps for the iPhone.  I have the Nike Training CLub app, for tracking paces when jogging and the Nike Training Club for workouts and personal training. I am LOVING the Nike Training Club App.  If you have an iPhone and need a little help with training and working out, you must get! It is awesome! Shows you everything you need to know to do your workout.  If you are new to training (As I am), don't hesitate! They have steps for beginners. One of the many things I like about it is that it is sort of like a game.  There are "badges" that you earn, but you can only earn them by complete a certain amount of time working out.  So if you want the next badge, you have to keep working out.  Also, it syncs to Facebook and allows you to share your progress, which is encouraging when friends and family cheer you on. I promise, you will love the app. Bottom line is GET IT.
I weigh in on Monday. I will be posting my progress on here, which is kind of scary, because I have never shared my weight and stuff, since it's a very self conscious part of me, but, I think it will be even more motivating.


Okay well I think that's all for now. I guess this was more if a product review haha.


Cheers!