Things I'd like to do in 2012

As 2011 is winding down, I realize that there were many things that I wanted to do and haven't done.  Int he spirit of the new year, this is my list of things I would like to do in 2012.

- Get a job. (It's been 2 months)
- Reach my 1st goal weight of 180 by April and my target weight of 160 by the end on October.
- Get more into the Word. I really lacked on that this year. God needs to come first.
- Get another tattoo (or a few ;])
- Move out
- Maintain at least a 3.5 GPA
- Write and record more music and finish the projects I have going.
- Walk my dogs more often.
- Try eating more vegan at home. (3 year vegetarian)
- Go camping
- Save money
- Fly to Arizona to visit Flower
- Go to as many shows as I can and see my favorite bands
- Make new friends
- Ride Lex Luther at 6 flags once it opens.
- Be nicer to people (I am really mean I guess, as in, I generally don't like people lol)
- Respect my parents. (As in try to have a relationship with them and try not fight as much)
- Be a better sister, friend, daughter, person.
- When I get a job, to remember to tithe.
- Be more social with my friends (Call/txt people back, put more effort into my friendships ie. Be the first one to call/txt instead of waiting for weeks to hear from someone)
- Visit Christian more often. (I miss my bestfriend/brother)

As of right now, these are the things that I want to do for 2012.  We will see how it goes.  I am trying to stay positive, this year wasn't terrible but it wasn't that great either... especially with the getting laid off and all.  O well.  Here's to looking forward :)

Married Young

So I just somehow stumbled across a bunch of my old"friend's" Facebook pages.... and dang.  A lot of them are married now and stuff.  Fuhhhh.  I can't even imagine myself married.  That sucks. No disrespect to those who find real love and are happily married, but dang, most of them weren't even done with school or have a real career going.  I would never ever marry someone and just throw away all the years of schooling that I have been paying for for so freaking long.  I don't know, I just feel like getting married real young, especially when you are going to school and have no real career is crazy. I do have a few friends who are my age and are happily married and I am happy for them (They are the exception to the rule :]), but I also see those people that I knew that are struggling real  hard, or that they had to stop their education because they had a kid or married the wrong person.  Tough stuff.
 Ok well enough of this. haha I need to sleep! Going to 6 flags in the a.m.

:>

Not all girls are like you or your friends.

So, today I found out that some girl that I barely know, hardly ever said more than a simple "hi" to basically assumed that just because a guy friend of mine took me out to dinner, it must mean I am "f**cking" him.

I prbly won't say this to her, because, c'mon, who the heck likes to start drama but I need to rant this out because I am angry and because to me, this subject is very personal and sacred.

Ok, yea. My friend took me to dinner the other night. We had a good time. Just shared some casual friendship time catching up and stuff.  I don't know about you, but, not all girls have sex for dinner. Not all guys take a girl to dinner because they want sex in return. Um.. also, I think it sad that you talk about how you love Jesus and how Christian you are, when the first thing you asked my friend was "if you're not dating her, are you at least "f**cking?" and then when my friend tells you that he doesn't have sex,  you burst out laughing and say "Oh, I  feel sorry for you, you need to get laid"... really?

You know what, you are freaking retarded. You're a dumb girl.  Laughing at someone's choice about abstinence is just disrespectful, especially coming form a "Jesus lover".  If you for some idiotic reason thought I came off as a girl who just sleeps around, I'll let you know that I PROUDLY am holding on to my virginity and I GLADLY follow the Word of God and I WILLINGLY wait for the day that I get married and share that most intimate part with my Husabnd.

ps. Your caked on make-up looks fabulous.

End rant.

Real Life Changes.

Yep.  Change is needed. I need it.  In a few weeks I will be finding out just how drastic my life may change.  I think it will be a good thing.  God knows how horrific it has been the past few months. Especially between my mom and I.  I am so mad and irritated still. I think that i need to physically not be around her in order for us to have any type of relationship. Anyhow, this news I am waiting for will decide how far I go.

As a way of showing myself that I am serious about this, I have started looking for jobs in other areas other than Bakersfield.  Hoping for good news.

Truth is I don't care if anyone knows

I am done with you. Done with your blame game, your pious self, your fakeness and your self righteousness. I really don't give a cent if people read this.  It might be immature, but since I was 13 I had to act like an adult and hide things in, but today, I am done with that. I am done letting you make people think you are someone you are not.

Mom,

I am an amazing daughter.  Despite all that you say, I know that any one would love to have me as a daughter.  I've never in my life done any drugs.  Never been drunk. I believe in purity. I go to church. I am active in church. I volunteered my free time on Friday nights to give free voice lessons to your church choir.  I graduated high school with honors. I got my associated degree three weeks after I turned 18. I got a job at a law firm as a Paralegal two weeks after.  I maintained my job and even made it to the point where my boss trusted me to have my own office, in a different building, away from him and I managed it and a secretary twice my age for about a year while I was only 21. I got laid off October 31st due to the firm slowing down. I didn't quit or get fired. I am still in college. I don't know about you, but I don't know many people my own age who have accomplished half of what I have done... not to say I am better than anyone else, because I am not.

Today, I am finally drawing the line.  I never in my life thought that you could sink so low.  You've done many stupid things to me throughout out my life, but today, I am done putting up with it.  If I ever become a mother, I WILL BE NOTHING LIKE YOU. I will never force my daughter to quit roller skating... because "girls aren't supposed to skate".  I will never force my daughter to do ballet, jazz dance, gymnastics, and cheerleading, 'cus thats what "girl are supposed to do".  I will never ever ask my daughter or son to give me their personal information so that I can get government money because I am sketchy and don't report that I have a business and want free money. No! I will never do that. I will also never blackmail my own child and threaten to throw them out on the street, knowing that they haven't even received any unemployment benefits, so that I can benefit from their misfortune.

There are so many messed up things that you do and you act like your'e a saint. You know something? I HATE when people from your church come up to me and ask me if I am your daughter and then they rave about how great you are and how nice you are. I REALLY HATE when young girls or girls my age come up to me and tell me how cool you are and how they wish you were their mom. You know why I hate it? Because when they tell me that, I don't know who the hell they are talking about. Because that mother, is not my mother.  You know what else I hate, when these people tell me how you rave about how I can play the piano, guitar, drums, bass and how I sing and write music and how proud you are of me. I hate it because you use me to gain popularity in your church. "Oh my daughter does this... My daughter does that...".  You're a pious church rat. I will never use my child as a way to be popular... especially amongst church people.

Mark my words,  the moment I get a job, I will be leaving your house. Because today I saw a monster inside of you and that, I can not live with.  I don't hate you, but you have been tearing my self esteem, my integrity, and my dignity since I was in middle school. Im done putting up with it. Because me, I am a good person and I deserve better.