A poem/song I wrote.

Daughters


Spineless man where did your back bone go? Did you forget it several years ago? And are you happy with the outcome of the choices that you made? ’Cus it’s destroying you, and its hurting her and its killing us three… your daughters. 

Bitter man where did your happiness go? Did you forget it several years ago? ’Cus you’ve been holding on to your wife’s hand, you’ve been holding on to your anger and guilt like you should have been holding on to us… your daughters.

 Spineless man, bitter man, I can’t help but love you.

 How does it feel, to put us on the sideline, all for the price of your selfish pride. 
 Before I go, just know you were my hero when all you ever were was a coward.

"That Girl WIll Never Know Her Father"

Those are the exact words that my "mother" just said about 10 minutes ago.  I am only documenting this stuff incase anything happens and because apparently, my mother has been telling her "friends" about me and they all are in "shock" that I have came to my conclusions and decisions about the situation.  Is it really shocking that I want to know my half sister?  Is it against God?  Is me talking to my half sister disrespectful to my mother? UM. I DON'T THINK SO.  How am I disrespecting her?! I am not talking to my mom about her... so why does she feel like I am disrespecting her? You really can't tell me it's disrespectful. I am an adult.  Yes, I live in her house, but like I said, I am not talking or putting pictures all over the house of my half sister.  I just want to know her.  She may have been born out of an affair, that happened 17 years ago.  My mom is still married to my dad and they are "happy in love", so why the fuck can't she just accept what happened and move on?  My mom literally told me that "that girl" will never know her father, and she said it with a smile on her face.  She said that my dad will never talk to her.

Now, you tell me if that is "godly"?  Also, my mom had told us (my sister and I), last Wednesday that we are free to have a relationship with our half sister, but not in her house, we can't bring her here. Which I get and respect.  But yesterday, my little sister asked my mom about needing some money for color guard and my mom told her that she isn't going to give any money to her unless she doesn't have a relationship with her half-sister.  What the hell.  That's not what she said last week and now all of a sudden it's different?!  I am real pissed right now.  I am so utterly disappointed in both my parents.

I need to get a job ASAP so I can move out.  My mom kicked me out today, but I al literally in the middle of dyign my hair and have dye all over my hair  so forget leaving right now.  Plus all my stuff doesn't fit in my car.  Which brings me to her telling me that I have always had everything handed to me. BULLSCRAP. My TV, furniture, room decor, curtains,  printer, phone (including all my previous cell phones), iPod, iPad, Macbook Pro, school supplies and books (my dad has only ever bought one book, which was about $60) (I have been in school for 6 years), my bedding, shoes and clothing have all been bought and paid for by none other than myself.  The only thing in my room that is not mine is the mattress I sleep on. I have had a job since I was 16 years old.  This is the first time since then that I am with out a job.  I am trying, really hard, to find a new one that pays enough for me to support myself.  This is so stupid.  I want out. Or I want my parents to have a revelation from God to see how unjustified their thinking and reasoning is.  They are church leaders... and this is how they think.

Whatever.

Honestly, Ya Don't Even Wanna Know...

I have been meaning to blog for a while but everything has just been so hectic and lame the past few weeks.  I have always been a person who is very transparent in my writing but lately, I have had mixed emotions about the things that have happened in my life.  I feel like I am a part of a really bad novela, which is Spanish for soap opera. I am a closet depressive maniac... okay not really, but you get what I am saying. Well, here goes nothing:

1) Still no luck finding a job.

2) EDD is freaking lame.  Haven't received or heard from them in a month, pretty much since I worked at Green's office. Which mean I am completely broke. Nada in the bank, pockets or piggy banks... haha :(

3) Secrets out.  I have a half sister that my parents have been hiding from my sister and I. Yep.  Totally insane.  My parents are horrible people.  My mom can't accept her. She wishes my sister and I didn't want to know our half sister and she resents us for it. She's a B. My dad's a coward.  We haven't really talked at all.  Last time we did it turned real bad. It is all ridiculous and sad.  My half sister is cool though. She's 17, plays guitar, piano and likes to sing! (Definitely my sister :D).  So yea things with the family are all upside-down and going nowhere.

4) School is going good so far.  I am really excited for my 15 month long paper! haha It is actually a community project, in place of a traditional thesis paper.  I am going to be working with Bakersfield SPCA. I have to come up with 4 proposals to get them money, supplies, adoptions, etc.  I love animals so I am really happy about this.  It's also taking my mind off of the real big negative things going on in my life. Obviously.

OH and 5) Today, out of frustration, I cut my bangs 0_0.  I no longer have side bangs.


End.