Why am I Still Up?

Now Playing: Hate Me Soon by Yellow Ostrich
Mood: Too tired to sleep >.<

I just want to start FRESH.  When I wake up, it will be a new day and a new me.  My attitude needs to change.  I need to live up to that PMA I once had.  I began my journey to a better me today by forcing myself to go to the gym.  I really didn't want to go, but I felt good once I did.

I am at a crossroad in my life being in between jobs, trying to finish school, and just learning how to manage the relationships in my life in general. But,  c h a n g e is needed.  I can't let these circumstances that are my current life define me, Ellie.  In order to bring change, I feel that being transparent is important.  So, in the spirit of change and becoming a better me, I want to share this photo.

This photo is not intended to offend, upset, or call for inappropriate attention.  

At the age of 16 I was diagnosed with POS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).  I don't think many women know about this disease.  Here are some symptoms of POS:

• Acne
• Weight gain and trouble losing weight.
• Extra hair on the face and body. Often women get thicker and darker facial hair and more hair on the chest, belly, and back.
• Thinning hair on the scalp
• Irregular periods. Often women with PCOS have fewer than nine periods a year. Some women have no periods. Others have very heavy bleeding.
• Fertility problems. Many women who have PCOS have trouble getting pregnant (infertility).
• Depression.

Of the above, I struggle with the ones I highlighted.  The issue that has affected me the most was the drastic weight gain. Before I turned 16, I was always in between a size 3-5,. then 7, then 9, 12, 14, to a now 16.  During this time, I was moderately active.  In the past, I have put effort into loosing weight, but this has shown to be an almost unreachable goal for me.  I have always been a "healthy eater" and aware of what I eat.  When I was 18, I changed my diet to a plant-based diet and ate very little white & lean meats.  When I was 20, I went full vegetarian.  In the last year in a half, I have adopted a vegetarian/vegan diet.  At home I only buy and consume vegan foods. Anyhow, my point is, not being able to burn calories like I once did turned my self esteem low, which then caused my depression.  It was so easy for me to give up on exercising because I literally would put in so much work and see very little to no results.  I am now willing and wanting to give it another go.  I can't let this disease get in the way of my body goals.  This time around, I will incorporate juicing, blending and an even smarter and more aware vegetarian/vegan diet.  I hoping to reach my first goal of dropping 5-7lbs within the next 2 weeks.


So,  this is what I have to say about my POS.

I am no longer going to reject myself.  I accept myself, POS and all, but I am going to do what I can to change myself, for the better.  The weight is going to be hard to drop, but I can do it.  I will be a happier person, depression will not get the best of me. At this point, I do not know if I will be able to bare a child, but whatever life throws at me, I will have to accept. And last but not least, the extra hair... well, waxing and shaving will have to do for now lol.  If you can't handle it, sucks for you.  I will not let anyone make me feel less pretty or accepted.